Denying Instinct
by helgz
Summary: Max laments her heat-driven choices. M/A angst


A/N: HUGE thanks go to Rowe and Hilz for their beta'ing and helpful suggestions, and also for Rowe's wonderful fic cover!

The poetry that I have used was written by the fabulous Ethereal – feel free to check out more of her work at Cherries With Pens if you're interested! I'm sure she'd appreciate it ;). And finally, just to let everyone know – I also post at Agora, Nuns With Pens, GumbootMafia, and The Broken World. I usually update at these boards a bit sooner, so if you want any details just ask!

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_Denying Instinct_

*Moments lost in time like tears in rain 

_I reach out but you turn away_

_Denying instinct, internal rhythms_

_You walk away, leaving_

_Only hollow echoes in me_

Fallen and unnoticed 

_Tears in the rain.*_

I'm numb.  
  


Usually this makes me feel good… better, at least. Usually the power of the ride is enough to make me feel free, exhilarated.  Driving makes me forget, whipping away the memories, whipping away everything. Well, usually.

But I can't feel a thing, except this deep, hollow pit at the bottom of my stomach. The rain's pounding on my back, mixing in with the hair flinging itself in my eyes, and yet I still don't feel a thing. I think it's safer this way, though – if I could feel maybe it would hurt too much.

I just want to take it back.

I ignored the symptoms for a while. The heightened awareness. The desire to jump almost every guy I saw. I mean, once I'd given in, I wasn't even planning on leaving the relative sanctuary of home (and OC)… but you drew me out. Just the thought of you. All the way to your place, I couldn't focus. Every fibre in me was hyper-aware, the air brushing past my skin driving me wild.

And you knew, didn't you? Could you feel me? You must have… standing in wait outside your apartment building. I don't even know how we got inside. All I could feel, taste, think… you. 

God, do I regret it now. I'm empty right now, numb, but I don't think my body can handle the pain that I can feel coming. When I truly understand how deeply I've hurt you – that I've lost you. 

Even riding my ninja isn't helping. Because all I can think about as I feel it between my legs is the way you gently pulled me off it last night. The way you trailed your hand down my face like you couldn't believe I was there. Even though I could see in your eyes that the animal in you just wanted to get me upstairs and rip my clothes off.

____________________

The look on your face this morning – I just couldn't take it. But obviously, neither could you. We kind of had an unspoken deal that we'd protect each other from any negative remnants of our so-called "childhood". You know… the seizures, the painful memories. 

The heat.

But you didn't support me – not the way I wanted. I know now you were right. At least you had the strength to turn me away. Even through the intoxication of my pheromones, you still knew that it would ruin everything between us. Me, I was gone. Completely. 

*I reach out but you turn away 

_Denying instinct, internal rhythms*_

So when I ended up at Crash after you had barricaded yourself inside the bathroom, I guess I shouldn't be surprised that I took the next guy I saw home. Hell, I didn't even know his name. Still don't. And of course, I woke up the next day with that disgusted and dirty feeling I always get when I don't have the willpower to hold myself back.

*Moments lost in time like tears in rain* 

But I couldn't help wondering whether I would have woken up feeling so dirty if we had… followed through. If you hadn't been able to stop. Would I have tried not to sob when I realised I'd given in to temptation, if it had been you in bed next to me? Somehow I don't think I would. I know that despite both of our fears, it would at least have been nice to wake up together… to feel your arms around me and have that security again. I haven't had that since Manticore. Just being held, not judged by anyone for what you are or aren't. I used to feel like that with my family. Pretty much the only warm and fuzzy feelings I have from that place.

____________________

But I guess I shouldn't say you didn't look out for me. You were looking out for me last night, when you locked yourself in the bathroom, trying to stay away from me, even though I know your instincts were screaming at you not to. 

*Denying instinct, internal rhythms* 

And you were looking out for me this morning, when you came around to check on me.

____________________

The look on your face… you had that hurt, little-boy-lost look. I've never seen it before, except occasionally when you were talking about Rachel. But this time you didn't even try to hide it. That was the moment I really knew just how deeply I've hurt you… deeper than I ever thought I could.

I thought I could cover it up. Hide it from you somehow. But you knew, didn't you? Maybe you could smell it, smell the stale sex on me. Or maybe it was those animalistic instincts. But that didn't matter anyway, since the guy – whoever he was – chose that moment to make his appearance.

Your reaction… the look on your face. I can't believe it was me who caused it. All because I didn't have the sense or the strength to go home and wait it out. I've done it before – why couldn't I do it this time? 

____________________

I guess I was mad at you. I knew on a deeper level that what you were doing was the right thing – but at that moment I didn't care. Kissing you, feeling you as we made our way up the stairs… you were inside me. Your scent was in my head, the way you had teased me making me hotter… and when I realised that I couldn't have you, I wanted anyone. Maybe so I could pretend they were you, pretend that you hadn't denied me what I wanted from you most.

*I reach out but you turn away 

_Denying instinct, internal rhythms_

_You walk away, leaving*_

When you turned your back on me, walked away, I couldn't move. Your expression was so hurt… I just wanted – I still want – to take it all back. But then you left. I wanted to stop you, to tell you… I don't know. Would words be enough? 

Your rigid spine as you walked away said so much. I ached to reach out and touch you, to erase your pain and my mistakes, to make it better.

But I was frozen. And you were gone. 

*Only hollow echoes in me 

_Fallen and unnoticed_

_Tears in the rain.*_

I'm numb.


End file.
